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Sunday, November 16th, 2008
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10:54 pm - ...
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I just have to write, I don't do anything anymore... I don't do homework, or study, I don't practice really. I'm just doing what I have to do to make it through each day with moderate success.... and that would be defined as having not failed at everything, and still being alive when finally reaching sleep at the end of that day's events.
Didn't I used to have passion and huge goals? Of course, I still have goals and, still find solace in working towards ultimate desires. However, somewhere along the way I've become trapped in this endless cycle of each days little events meaning so much, and life meaning so little. Experiencing the mindless drone of simpleton tasks at two basic level jobs. Where I am not mentally, or in any other way really, challenged seems to fit all to well with a school that I don't have to make a serious effort to maintain generally decent enough grades in. I don't feel in any way actually pushed to be as great as I might be capable of being.
And when did I become such a workaholic that I gave up on proper homeostasis? Doesn't one have to maintain basic functions in order to live.... alright respiration, check I've got that one down. But actual rest, or eating? I'm pulling this eating hardly one meal a day crap while having a very clear understanding of how and why it is wrong to do so. How can I be so blatantly hypocritical? I know that a person can't function or that it is unhealthy, actually worse for the bodies weight, and not enough nutrients. I know. But I consciously choose to ignore what is right and continue on with my poor habits.
Oh glory, the mistakes I've made in the past. How did I believe that I was so mature and grown up? Just now I am coming to understand that, while I could function and maintain a life on my own as a responsible adult, I am most certainly not ready to do so. How did I believe that I was so beyond my own age? I thought that I knew and could determine that I felt things I had no real comprehension of. I saw myself fit to know something, and thus believed I did. How childish of myself to have been so presumptuous. The people I have known and hurt along the way to discovering myself. Dragging them down with me on my path of denial. But, to be fair I was along with them on their very own journeys of the same. I certainly did get bumps and bruises from both. Its a good thing, we learn from all of the little events that comprise our life story together. That is, hopefully we will.
What a fool I was to assume that my friendships would last forever... or at least longer than 2 years past high school. Especially when I had from personal experience learned that separation takes it toll. Am I at fault? Surely I over fill my time with, albeit important cost productive responsibilities, I will be the first to admit that I do not allow time for fun, friendship, myself, family, or a life. And at the very cost of not getting to enjoy any of those things.
My sincerest of apologizes to anyones time that I wasted along the way. To any dreams I helped falter, or to any loves I put to rest.
It of course is my failing, but I think not without help. And a great deal of help even when considering that a phone works both ways, along with the far too many modes of internet contact. A continent of separation can not account for communication to fail in these modern times. Still I did fail to push and try, I've given up I suppose. Priorities lie.
Can I not ever be satisfied with the current place in life I have found myself settled upon? I can not recall a time where I was completely contented to be at the age and status that I belonged. Always there lies a yearning to be further along, to the next level, beyond what can actually be reached. I always maintain this belief that if only I were to the part in life where my maturity and hopes all finally fell in line with the age and realization from that moment on I would be at peace. Once that intangible second in time alines, at last the rest of my existence would fall in line, and would be indescribably pristine. All I'd ever imagined, and entirely unimaginably perfect.
Don't I know better, nothing is perfect. And once I finally get to that point in life I am currently convinced I must reach, I will only be sure to long after another after that, and again so on and on.
Will my insanity never end?
With this, at last relfections of the good.
Memories of the love, support, growth, fun and happiness of friends along the way.
Moments that piece together the most important events that make up me.
Realization of the wonderfully messy me I am.
Love, in its most actual and blisful of realities.
And a promise that every day ends and the new arises.
The future is always coming. There will always be something to look forward to, to hope, to dream, to yearn, and to realize.
current mood:  thirsty
current music: Allerseelen, Strauss
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| Wednesday, June 18th, 2008
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12:30 am - Meh?
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So, this is the part where I rant about not writing, blah blah blah.. good now that its over and done I can move on.
What is going on with my thoughts? Do you ever have enough things pop up in front of you that by the last thing you start to wonder if you're supposed to be taking notice? Perhaps they're all connected and you're supposed to see them all? It all means something? You're supposed to start thinking about something? A group of small events creating a catalyst for your brain?
Regardless, every so often these sort of events take place, and I feel as if for the last, oh less than 12 hours or so, I have been jogging little comments and moments that seem to all be adding up to something... but idk what.
I guess memories of what summer used to mean, not being certain of the future. Not knowing what it is exactly that I want. Missing how things were, still hating change.... wanting to be helpful, hating circumstance.
I miss so much... I missed out on a lot.... I always will I suppose....
Then again life is great, working hard, earning money, taking care of myself, having a wonderful and secure relationship. A wonderful family, and friends, and even a second family, and basically another on top of that whom all love me and do so much for me!
I miss those people who knew me back then, the only problem was I didn't know me... it is so crazy to think that a few years ago I thought I knew so much, and now I know that there is so much that even at this age I've got no clue about.... who did I used to be? Is that still me? Will I change?
I wonder what people think of me now, of what I seem to be today.... I wonder if I've changed for the better, or perhaps the worse? Have I changed, am I even the Meghan they knew then? Was I ever really Meghan back then anyway?
I just don't know really, and sometimes I get thinking about the past and I get on tangents and rantings..... for that I've probably just waisted at least 1 person's time, and for that I'm sorry.
Do I know where I want to be? I mean I was the girl with the list of goals, and I've succeeded and failed and am on the track to getting things fulfilled.... but do I have any idea what I want right now? or further down the road? I had a broad picture, now I need to fill in the details.... you can't have a connect the dots without lines... you don't see an image, all you have are the dots.... not even your imagination can fill it all in....
So what are my lines, what will the image actually bear?
Oh well, I should sleep....
My Grandparents have been married 50 years next Sunday..... Mom and Scott 2 year yesterday.... who knows for my future.....
goodness life is wonderfully terrifyingly confusing.
current mood:  contemplative
current music: Footloose
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| Wednesday, April 23rd, 2008
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9:09 pm - GAH!
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I am just so pissed off at everything right now. I know that the worst of it is just stress from end of year projects and assignments and finals and what not... but my head is about to explode! I know I'll take care of everything and it'll all work out just fine and dandy but I'm surely stressed out getting there!
I'm so angry, when I finally get to the end of the damn day, I'd like to feel like I accomplished something... and I've certainly done an awful lot each of these days, surely its enough! But no, I feel like crapy. I feel tired and unfulfilled and worse than that I feel unimportant. ... I don't know, I'm used to feeling sort of empty ... but usually there is something or someone to help fill me up... to feel of worth or special.
Maybe I'm so shallow that I really just need tons of positive attention in order to be happy. Maybe there is no depth to me whatsoever without others to lift me up.
I just wish I felt like all of the daily grind was worth it. I feel like I'm finishing tasks and meeting requirements but not really taking anything real away from it. Am I actually gaining anything from all of this?
Why am I not good enough? Why doesn't it matter that I try so hard? Will I ever be ... adequate. I really just want to be enough... I'm not asking to be the best... I just want to be to the level other's expect.
Am I taking it out on Nate? or am I justified to be annoyed that when all I want is to talk to him and calm down about life and the world... for him to make me feel better about everything, or at least to tell me about his going ons to give me something else to focus my attention to. But instead I find out that annoying friends of his are distracting him with their presence, tv, movies, and video games. All of which are obviously more important than me.
When all I need is to feel important, I'm getting the cold shoulder. Am I being touchy or am I right to be upset?
Most girls would throw a fit over a guy playing video games rather than talking to them... I'm fine enough with the concept, I like video games, and I can understand wanting the time to unwind and enjoy them. But yet I'm still sooo annoyed right now.
Why am I not important enough to talk to? Why doesn't anyone care about my concerts... even if I hate the ensemble and feel unimportant in that too... I down play everything to make them seem like things don't matter to me... so that people don;t see that I'm hurt.
Come on, are you kidding, chorus means the world to me. Its all I've ever known for music. I was introduced to my future my life, through choral music. Why wouldn't I care about it? I'm far too sensible to have expected anyone to come, and I know better... 3 hours away and for an 8 o'clock concert... that was short and stupid and not all that great anyway.... Rationally I know better... I didn't have high hopes at all... I didn't have hopes....
But it would have been nice... for lots of things... I am far too realistic and rational, and I didn't actually have my hopes up.... but damn it, of course I had my hopes up.... and this isn't just about people coming to shows or concerts... its bigger than those things....
I just want to matter... to be good enough.... and to feel like it.
current music: Not the Same, Ben Folds
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| Saturday, March 15th, 2008
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11:06 pm - I feel like posting my thoughts and feelings about people...
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However, I very much doubt I'll post who these people are.... I could leave it up to the reader to try to guess I suppose.... Regardless I haven't had a chance to just write my thoughts and feelings on people in my life.
Although I know how all of these people go into the make up of me and how I've been impacted by them... but this is more so just my thoughts regarding them right now... as I said... no name
Person 1.
What is your deal? How is it even possible that you can show so much indifference for me in your life? You mean the world to me, what you think of me, everything. Every single choice you've made for all that I can remember effects me. How can you not see that? Why don't I seem to matter to you? What is wrong with you that you can't see how important I should be? How did you trick me into adoring you for so long? I just dont understand how you don't think of me.... I just don't understand it.
Person 2.
What can I even say about you? Where you a mistake in my life? I truly believe everything happens for a reason and we learn from the people that come into our lives... but what did I do there? Was I only there to be a good influence on you, only to break you again? What good did it serve for the two of us? What is going on in your life? What in goodness name are you doing? Did you end up in a better place and happy? I have no idea about anything surrounding you. To be honest I don't really even think I want to know. I didn't think that people could actually come into your life and completely love you and change who you are... and then be completely gone.
Person 3.
You are certainly an anomaly. How can you possibly mean so much to one person? I just don't think I can fully understand how a person can tolerate so much.... At the moment I can't seem to figure out how we aren't communicating... we used to talk all the time.... something is off and I can't seem to figure out why it won't work.... I'm sure things are/ will be fine... at least I hope so....
Person 4.
Its amazing how you can know someone for 4 years and still be completely baffled by all that makes them who they are... They see so much, and no one ever seems to notice how much they are holding inside of them. What goes on in your head? I know that I try much harder than most to pay attention to it... to pry and push to try to see, how much goes unseen? Just between the two of us what had been on his mind all along? Did I really not see it or did I ignore it the whole time... Am I really that naive? I don't think I knew, any hunches I figured were flukes. I don't know... I hope we can will always be us, this person understands me better than most.... yes many people know me and are used to me tendencies... but this person just... gets me.... I just want them to be understood.
Person 5.
This person is just a confusion in my mind. I can't figure out what I meant to this person... I was apparently everything but it seems so many things were part of a game and were lies.... was I actually nothing.... I didn't need or even want to be so much... I just wanted to be able to let that person know that they were loved and cared about... and I suppose I felt I had to be the one to show it if no one else would... was I just a prize?... was it all just a game? There was something real there... I could have sworn.... I really thought I understood something and that the lies and the act was going on everyone else.... could I have ever been so stupid to buy everything? What was real? I just don't know what everything was.... I wish I knew
Ok so there are so many other people I can talk about... and should to sound slightly more positive.... however comma I'm tired and have been writing for far too long. I might actually attend church tomorrow so that means I have to plan my outfit. Good Night World.
current mood: thoughtful
current music: In the Still of the Night, The Drifters
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| Monday, February 18th, 2008
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7:02 pm - College?
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So, yet again, I haven't written in ages.
Life has so many highs and lows. I was terribly sick, and didn't the RA position I was hoping for, and my audition at Potsdam got canceled and moved to a different date. I know I'm not getting as good of grades this semester, and its not that I'm not trying as hard, its just that the material has gotten more difficult. At least I'm being social, and enjoying myself the majority of the time.
I finally woke up to the fact that things don't go back to the way they used to be. I can never be that little girl from Pulaski, or even a High Schooler anymore. I can't even be the girl from last semester. And I really don't think that as a whole I've changed. I disagree with the concept of whole person transformations. Perhaps in the extreme cases, but not in the majority of cases in the real world. I will always fundamentally be Meghan Rae. It is me, God created me and I am this girl. Sure aspects of my characteristics change, I alter personality traits sure. But who I am as a whole, my soul... they aren't ever going to be completely shaped and reformed. Even if I pretend that I've changed, it would be a mask. I will always be me. I can not hide from at least one person knowing the weight of my heart.
I'm coming to a better understanding of following God's will. I mean, I complain and get upset when things don't go according to my master plan... but there really isn't too much left to that plan anymore. And basically all of it has been tossed out and reformed, so I've got to give it up to the Lord now.
Its so funny how your out look can change so drastically so quickly. A week from now I was devastated, my life was completely not what I planned and what I was working for, and I didn't deserve anything that I wanted. And now I'm more realistically looking at my situation and everything happens for a reason, I'm so blessed and lucky... I'm so happy. I'm so incredibly loved and cared for. Even in my worst hour I have so much.
I miss my friends though... it can never be the way it was in high school.... and I do feel really sad because of that.... I have new friends though, and I stay in touch with the old ones, they don't just go away, they just become more distant....
I like that I'm looking back at things I did when I was younger *not that I'm terribly old now* and I just can laugh at myself, or think, what in the word was I thinking?!?! I've mad some stupid ass choices... I've had some amazing times... I've been so brave, and such a wuss.... Its incredible to think that every moment of everyday I've done something... I was never just floating through life... I was living it.
I hope I can always say that.... I always want to be living life.....
Thats the point of life after all... to live.
I always wondered why everyone made it so complicated... life is so simple and amazingly complex at the same time.... I love the wonder of it all.
I'm saying nothing, and doing so to avoid working on a theory project, or reading for my Ed class.... if I were a good girl I'd go do those things now....
... yeah here I go.
Life = <3
current music: My self written chord progression... f minor... very nice.
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| Thursday, December 6th, 2007
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7:07 pm - Well then...
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So, college, life, finals, Prism, no sleep... fasting... it all some how adds up to being me.
I'm stressed, I'm always stressed... I'm busy, I'm always busy... I'm worried about the future.... I always have been.
Nothing is really new, its just all in a differnt place.
Now, for whats really on my mind.
Goettel had a stroke... he's ok, well he will be... at least things look good... he'll have a long road ahead of him... and I can't even begin to think about all of the changes and things that this will bring.
I was so scared... I didn't find out until after the fact, but I was scared. I was so scared. I am so scared. I can not lose him, I can't.
He might as well be my father, really. The entire Goettel family is family to me. I look at Anna as my best friend ever, Alexander is just about the coolest kid I've met and he's always been on a really cool level with me, he's like a brother, only though actually nice to me. Jo is always there for me, she's like a 2nd mother or someone, I can go to her to talk to, for advice, to vent, for anything. She's let me use her car for 2 whole weeks before. She's just so nice and would do anything for me.
Matthew is so there... he totally gets what is going on, and doesn't talk to me or anything. its great... lol but I still love him... and games are so much fun when he joins in.
Even little Tessa is such a sweet little cupcake... she just crawled all over me, and she loved my necklace... she's such a bundle of happiness...
Mr. Goettel... he might as well be my father. I think he was the first, and one of the only people, at Central Square to take any notice in me. To see something there.... if no one had, I would have let myself fade away... I wouldn't be who I am. Not only as a teacher, but musically he opened my world... I hadn't ever heard jazz before, let alone sing it. Being in the Vocal Jazz, as a freshman no less, changed my life. He saw so much potential in me... that I never would have imagined or dared to live up to.
I know I wouldn't have gone into Music Ed if not for him. He was always there for me. I swear his room was a locker for me the 4 years. And then I started babysitting and Anna is really my best friend.
Mr. Goettel was always there for me. Yeah, he yelled at me, yeah he had unfair too high unrealistic expectations for me, yeah he did... and I'm better off for it. Look at me now. Did anyone see that I would have been 7th in my class, going to college for Music Ed, at a really good music school? Did anyone think I would have been such a leader and have pushed myself to not only try my hardest but to be an example. But I swear if something was wrong, he could tell, he knew, and he'd ask, and I'd tell him. He was always there, for 3 out of 4 years I hardly went to lunch, I usually sat in his room and talked to him, while he ate his lunch from his little lunch box.
He saved me from having to go to that horrible room. He was there for me when Josh and I broke up... I baby sat that night... and he brought me home and we sat in my drive way for over half an hour and he talked to me.
He's given me so much good advice.... I swear to you he's the only one I'll listen to... if I don't know for sure what to do, I talk to him, and whatever he says, I know is right, and I do it.
I'm not in the Air Gaurd because of him. I finally chose Music over English because he told me what he'd tell his own child to do. When Mr. Douglas made a crack about my mother, and myself. Goettel was the only one upset and told me to fight and defend myself.
He never had any idea how much he effected me, I can't count how many times he made me cry, and he only saw it once... and that was one of the last times. He had no clue for ages. He always expected the most out of me... because he had this crazy notion that I could do better, and had to prove that I was up to his expectations. He thought that the others looked to me, and that I had to be his example student. I had to fit the role, whether I wanted it or not. It was who I was, I was that girl, the one that would push herself to be as good as he thought I was. I still can't stand myself because I know I disappointed him... he said I'd make it to Conference... well no, he said if anyone in my grade was going to (and he said this when I was still only 13, in 9th grade) make it to Conference, it would be me. I pushed myself, I worked so hard, I got voice lessons, I played the game... and I still failed. And Nate got in... he hardly even tried. well, I mean he did, it just was more natural to him. I got a bum judge, and had the nervous factor... plus apparently I had been singing wrong all along. I didn't do it, I couldn't cut it... and I wasn't good enough to get into those music schools.... I let him down. I never felt like any of teachers ever expected anything great from me... when I was younger and had learning disabilities one teacher told me she didn't expect much from me.
Goettel was the only that cared past, did she do the assignment? Is she here? Alright, we're doing good. The other teachers were just doing their jobs, granted they did a great job, but they didn't care the way Goettel did.
When ever I put myself down, he yelled at me, he said I couldn't do that. I had to stop it.
And I think he was one of the only people I ever told I wanted to Graduate top 10. I knew I couldn't make it into the top 5, those were already set in stone from the begining of freshman year. But I was in top 25, and I had always wished I'd be good enough from the top 10, but I knew I'd never make it... and he just stopped and looked at me, that look were he tilts his head and scrunches his face funny, like what you just said was the most confusing thing on the planet. And he was like... "Well, why not? Why can't you?"
And I told him about my learning disabilites from before, and that I just wasn't top 10 material... I worked hard, but the other kids were just plan smart and good at grades and tests... I couldn't match up. And he was just like... "thats not all that matters. And I don't see why you can't get top 10 if you want it. Its not a matter of they're smarter. You can't be like that... you just can't be like that."
And he was done... and I was like... mmmkay, whatever you say... at least in my mind.... but I listened. I took it to heart... and I pushed myself harder than I ever had in my entire life. And I did I graduated 7th!
And the National Choral Award.... I don't care, it meant the world to me... I've never been more proud of myself, ever then singing the Alma mater at graduation.
Idk what it was but Goettel saw something in me, and he made me realize all I could be. He still pushes me. I love him, and the entire Goettel family.
I have no idea where I would be without them... and what I'd do without them now.
I can't loose him... he means so much to me, to who I am, and how I got here.
I mean, yeah I've got my own father... but when he left... well hell he wasn't much of a father after I got into Jr. High or so, but, when he was gone, and we moved to C2, Goettel took over.
I didn't ask for him to... or realize he did... and idk if he meant to, or thought that he did... but he did.
He's truly like a dad to me.
I've already lost a dad... I'd really like to not loose the closest thing I've got left to one.... I need him to be ok, I need him to be alright.
If it weren't for him I wouldn't be here, I wouldn't be doing what I'm doing, I wouldn't be me.
Ok, so I know he's got his favorites... he always has and always will... there was Claire before me, there will be Lia and Jami after... and others after them... and maybe I was just one of many...
But he's family... I love them. I need them, they are such a huge part of my life.
I mean I went and visited them before I went home for the first time after being at college for a month... before I went and saw my mom, I stopped in to visit them.
They mean so much to me... and I was so scared at the thought that anything had happend to him...
well... that was long and silly, anyway, I'm scared, and I can't loose him.
Plus I feel like I should be there helping out.. .doing what I can, being a leader... helping keep things together... keep people busy working, not getting distracted. Or being around to help with the kids, mostly hanging with Anna and Tessa, or helping clean... I should be there to help.. and I can't... I'm stuck... I'm stuck at this school I hate being far away and not being able to help... I only feel helpless when I can't help....
On top of finals and prism, worrying about my jury....
this is life...
I applied to Craine, I just have to go audition in February.
... Who knows what'll happen next year....
current mood:  AH!!!!
current music: Firebird Suit, Berlioz
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| Friday, September 7th, 2007
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7:14 pm - College?
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I'm at Houghton College, the summer came and went... and wow did a lot of crazy things happen.... Now I've even been at College for 2 weeks. Which by the way, sucks.... its not so bad, but its not what I expected.
I know that Livejournal is dead... I know no one will read this, and so I don't care what I write...
I am mad at god, I hate it here, and I don't think its fair that god can manipulate my life for what he wants... I had a plan and its not like it was a bad plan... it just wasn't what he wanted I guess... idk
Regardless I know that I will not be here next year. I'm almost sure I will transfer... I hate being 3 hours from everyone... its not that I need to see them, or it bothers me... but 3 hours is just too far.... I like home, I don't want to leave.
I can not believe some of the things I've done this summer... I never thought I would be this girl, and I never thought these things would ever happen to me. I don't know if I'm mad about it.. its just not what I thought it woudl be... I guess nothing is what I excptected.
I hate this... I hate not knowing what to do or what I want.... I don't want to hurt anyone.. but I want to make everyone happy, and I know that I have to think about myself at least at some point within all of this, but idk what I want anyway!
GAH! Its just so frustrating.
And here I am sitting here and complaining about it... as if that will do any good...
I just wish I knew how to make everything make sense....
I was not made for a strict little Christian school... I'm not sure if I was made for any of this... but this is what my life is now... so I guess I have to live with it.... *sigh*
if anyone knows what I should do with myself... please let me know... oh wait, no one is reading this.... no one knows what in all is going on, and most of all no one really cares about it anyway. There is far too much going on in the world for my little issues to matter at all....
current mood:  I'm an angry little mouse!
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| Sunday, June 17th, 2007
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11:04 pm - Ba De Ya, Say do you rememeber???
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Hokay so,
I worked forever today... and it stunk... it wasn't that terrible, but I worked very hard, and got very stressed out over a to-go and bad things happened, which in the end all got taken care of, but stunk a lot.
Soni's grad party yesterday rocked, P-town people are silly... its a good thing I've moved on though. I loved seeing David! Davie poo! YaY! Big fire... ice cream... Mumford. It was literally 2 mins from my old house, which I went to see, and it looks so bad, I swear it used to be bigger. Its a white trash heaven now. *sigh*
I called my father tonight, Happy fathers day right? I worked a stinking 10 + shift so other people could celebrate the holiday. and the only highlight of the day was giving Goettel the card I got him. I don't know if its weird or not... idk, but he's like a dad so I guess its fine.
This is so random and out of order for me. I guess I'm just jumbled. So much going on this week, laundry then rotation then work until close for Monday, trip to the lake to see my dad and grandparents on Tuesday, then half day rotations/ baby-sitting/ voice lessons/ practices on Wednesday and Thursday. Rehearsal and Practice on Friday, then Graduation and my party Saturday plus Dan's party, and then Sunday will be a long mess. This should be a long week.
So much to look forward to.
current mood:  blank
current music: September, Earth Wind and Fire
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| Friday, June 15th, 2007
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10:12 pm - .... Cheesecake?
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Alright, so I'm a bad kid... I let life sweep me up, and there I went, I didn't post an entry for basically forever.
My bad.
I apologize, to the no body that read this.
But I actually feel proud and disappointed that I haven't written in here. This livejournal sort of became a need, I couldn't make it through the day without posting what had generally happened and how I felt about it. It was basically my way of organizing my thoughts and coping with the stress in my life. I sometimes used my journal to test run things that I wanted to say but wasn't sure how to word until I edited my sentences multiple times. So in a way, by stopping my constant writing in this journal I proved to my self that I had moved on to a place where I was able to make it through life without decompressing all of my day's events. That I was able to manage my emotions and handle my stress loads well enough to not need to express it all out in written text. I've grown up so to speak. Which is a very good thing. We're all glad that I'm not a over dramatic little girl bitching and moaning about every little thing. However comma, writing out what was going on in life, I have found is a great way for me to look back and remember what happened when, and how I felt about it. Viewing old entries is a clue to how I used to be, and who I was. I can learn things, use hindsight vision to understand things more clearly, and remind myself not to make some mistakes I'm sure I've made. I know for a fact that my senior year was full of great and exciting moments that I'm sure I'd like to look back on and smile and or learn from. But I've short changed myself. It is only to my own self I need to apologize.
Regardless, with its plusses and disadvantages, I have missed out on keeping up-to date with my life's going-ons.
Now that I've rambled enough to get my hands used to typing long run-ons I can attempt to sum up what has gone on. Although I'm sure I'll leave so much out.
So, I think I left off somewhere near the musical. Which ended, and in such a great glory. Grease rocked, I think it was one of the best shows I'd ever been a part of. I hate to say it but Robin totally stole a lot of the audiences attention, but only because she's such a goof in real life, she acted the part of Jane perfectly. I was great at Betty Rizzo, and had kick ass costumes to boot. Nate and Dan and the other boys were just about the best Greasers you've ever seen, and Grease Lightning was the best dance ever! the entire cast/stage crew danced along behind the curtains. The show was a blast and at the end of the last show I found out I was getting the Musical Theater Scholarship. Go me! Plus Nate won the super sparkie! life was great.
Right after the show I got a job working at the Pier, Pier 57 in Liverpool, where Matt and Dan worked as Bussers. I was hired by Matt's Aunt and Uncle, Bill and Noreen, as a Hostess. Not only did I do my job, but I set the tables *part of the bussers job* as often as I can. I feel like I should do as much as I can. I work on Mondays until close, when dart league is on I work on Wednesdays *after my voice lesson* until close, and I work Saturday mornings until around 4ish. It's a great job, I really like it, I just think I have to go out and get a second job I don't want because of college and having no money. Such is life though right?
I did the school thing, I managed my way through 5 blocks in 4, then spent the second half of the day on Rotations or at BOCES. We started in Pre-K, it was nice enough, but the teachers didn't seem to like me, and the kids scared me they were so small, I loved my 1st graders, I LOVED THEM! Cole stole my heart away. I did a double Math/ English thing with a 3rd grade class with Mrs. Grome, and 4th grade with Mrs. Watrous *who is incidentally my neighbor and pregnant* We went to High School at Fulton, which sucked, but Mr. Nami *the music teacher* was nice enough. Middle School with Mascaro, was such a stupid mistake on my part and I did it twice. Then I went back to my 1st graders. I stayed with them until the end of the school year, and then went on rotations longer than I had to, and then school ended and I kept going to see them. But I love them, and I'll miss them so much. I don't care that I'm doing more work than I need to. I love them, it is so amazing to see how much they've grown and learned in just a year. Its just such a confirmation that I want to be a teacher.
Music = my life. I certainly kept busy with that. Vocal Jazz, Summer Rock Group, Chamber Singers, solo stuff. Busy Busy Busy. All County was a bomb, we did jr. high level music and the director was insane and had no idea how to deal with teenagers, plus the group didn't audition teachers just choose us and we went. How stupid was that? I sang that national anthem at the County wide Superindentants Conference day then the vocal jazz/ rock group sang to them during lunch, which was a blast. I sang a Billy Joel song for my Senior SpotLight... Marshal played piano for me it was wonderful. We went through all of the concerts of the year. It was great.
I bought the most expensive dress ever for ball but it was beautiful and so was I so I don't care. Nathan looked great, the music and dancing rocked, it was a lovely night. The whole gang hung out. Steve met a girl and a week latter ended up dating her! Woo.
I found out my rank! I graduated 7th in my class! Top 10! I rock. Senior Awards. The biggest deal is the National Choral award. I get to sing the Alma-Mater at graduation.... and My name is on a plack with Claire and Rebecca .... I'm so lucky and proud of myself. I even won a BOCES award. After filling out 20 applications for scholarships at least a few of them payed off... it was worth it all.
I did the morning announcements on the tv most everyday. We got Senior Pranked, which sucked for us and ended up in a lot of drama but oh well... Senior Trip was fun. I had a total blast! Front of the Superman 2 times! And I got DeVivo to go on a roller coaster... a kiddie one but it was so funny to listen to her.
Nates been working constantly, so have I. We're always busy, but always in love, and get to see each other as much as possible. He and Eddie, Ryan, and Chelsea are all going to Le Moyne... I'm going to Houghton, 2 and a half hours away from them.... it's going to be rough. *sigh* I'll miss everyone and my mommy tons.
I'm graduating in a week. I'm visiting my grandparents and father next tuesday... then the entire family will be here next Saturday for all of the festivities. Basically my head is going to pop off with all the stress. But oh well.
I have a great friend name Marshal.. he is actually my little brother, I love him. The end.
I love my Nathan, we are almost a year and a half strong, and I just love him more every single day. Yes.
Life is stressful, and always busy, and I'm apprehensive about college so far away, but I love life, life is good, god is amazing and great to me. What a blessing this year has been.
Oh and I love running. Let summer start and here we go.
current mood:  accomplished
current music: What is Love, Haddaway
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| Monday, February 12th, 2007
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9:08 pm - Sometimes, I just don't know
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The show has been moved back 2 weeks, which is very much to the benefit of the show, so it is a good thing.
Except for I have a college audition that day... so I should probably go to that audition right? Yeah, no. We'll work something out, but as of right now, everything is so up in the air.
GAH! I can't handle it all... *sigh* No, that was a lie, I can handle it, i always do.
I don't even know what to write, I don't want to, I just feel so blah and gah! and Oh my lord my head is gunna burst!
Oh well, such is life.
Valentine's is soon, thats cool right?
current mood:  My head might just pop off.
current music: Fox-trot Uniform Charlie Kelo, Bloodhound Gang
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| Thursday, February 1st, 2007
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8:30 pm - Hey Meghan, did you know you've got paint on you.... oh and its all in your hair?
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No Way! Apparently I had paint all over me. As if I wouldn't' know? I spent my entire class time painting half of that back drop all by myself. And I worked so hard and fast, that I didn't care if paint got on me.... but come on! I was covered in paint! How could anyone think I wouldn't have noticed it on myself!? Ugh!
So, I was covered in paint.... oddly enough Rotation with the special Ed class went alright, and Nathan is the biggest nerd ever!
Practice, what a drag. More painting, more singing, more me knowing my part with other people not... great....
I just keep doing my job, thats all I can do...
Boy was I in a crummy mood today, but I kept being happy, so i guess I over came it.
Math was great, I get this money stuff! Go figure.
Got to love Tocal pizza.... gross and great!
I want this show to end, but at the same time, that means that its over.... My walking talking contradicting-ness lives on.
And I have to write a stupid paper by tomorrow.
current mood: annoyed with myself and life
current music: Grease is the Word, Grease Theme
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| Wednesday, January 31st, 2007
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9:22 pm - Yelling at Meghan is Fun
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Seriously, I'd totally suggest yelling at me.... as often as possible actually. Ironically enough, I had stupidly mentioned today that it would be weird not getting yelled at by Goettel after graduation. I didn't take into account that people would just take over. Heck, I haven't even graduated yet, and Mrs. Connor took the load on her very own. What a woman. I can't stand it. I did nothing wrong.
The thing is, I don't care.... I've worked so hard for this show, I've always worked my butt off for everything. I am very loyal and determined and have a sense of responsibility and strong work ethic. But apparently, those skills are nice, but totally vulnerable to being ignored and easily dismissed as unimportant the second 1 tiny thing goes wrong. I'll never be good enough. The end.
It was a lovely story though, wasn't it?
Any how, forget that crap.
I talked to Nathan, and I've very suddenly realized, I'm afraid. I don't want to grow up.... graduation is scary to me.... well but its not. I'm very confused about how I feel, but I know I'm scared. Maybe its that I'm afraid and unsure about everything. This is a waiting period, and for the most part I'm ok with that. I suppose I'd prefer it to be a "lets go back in time" moment, but thats fine.
What gets me the most is that I realized how much Central Square has made me, me. My life has completely shaped, and I was determined to hate and be miserable because of Central Square. I did, and I was... but I grew up.... my life happened, and here I am. Loving life, even with its stresses and trials. I just don't get this game... this is all I ever wanted... and now I'm afraid of it....
Silly Meghan Trix are for kids.
current mood:  blah
current music: You Get What You Give, New Radicals
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| Tuesday, January 30th, 2007
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9:15 pm - I'm just a meany
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I know I never write anymore, and that this is silly.
But I'm in a grumpy mood, its musical crunch time, this is life.... and I can be tired and grumpy all I want... because even if someone doesn't like it... too damn bad, I'll probably just get more mad... but anyway... Even though I'm super grumpy.... I'm oddly happy.
I can't seem to stop thinking about how happy I am... how in love I am... how great I always feel, just thinking about it.... But this is my delma, I'm pissed off at the little stresses of life, and I always tend to throw it all back on Nathan... as if its ok for me to be mean to him, because I'm grumpy.... and I'm sure it doesn't really bother him, but I think about how mean I'm being, without really meaning it, but I know its mean, and I feel bad, but I don't stop... I just always do it.... I wish I could stop.... I just instantly say something sarcastically like 'I don't like you" but I love him, I really just wish I could be nicer.
I guess I'm just naturally brasher, But being mean is not how I'm going to show that I'm nice and I love people..
Goettel was even going off and making jokes about how mean I was today.... and well that just made me act meaner but whatever.... *sigh* I'm just dramatic.
I need to be nicer I guess
so yeah, I have to write about one of my students, and I just feel like I have no place to formulate opinions about him.... *sigh* oh well.... I have to write a paper soon.
current mood: frustrated
current music: Childlike wildlife, Jason Mraz
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| Tuesday, January 23rd, 2007
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8:18 pm - er....
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So, yeah, I haven't written in here....in basically forever
I used to write every single night... I almost needed to....
And I haven't written.... I don't know what to write.
I should know what to write, its supposed to be about me... but idk, I used to write out every single major event that occurred in my life, and all the thoughts on my mind, and granted some super major things have happened, especially lately, but I just can't see myself writing it all down.
For one, it would take forever. For two, I know that no one reads this, or really cares.... I'm sure Nate would, but it seems stupid to write out an entire entry, to read out-loud to him latter, when I could just have a normal conversation with him, and express my feelings and tell about my life then...
So, with that said, life has most certainly happened, actually more so, life has been happening, and death has been stirring stirring present its ugly face in every so often.... well, anyway, with all of that I just don't know whats going on in my mind.
I don't think I actually know how I feel about anything really.... I just don't know.
I have no idea how I feel about death, or at least the death of people I actually knew... my mind just doesn't seem to have a grasp on that person just not being present anymore, not only just present around me, but in the world, its strange, and I just don't seem to fully comprehend it.
Ok, and this stupid college thing... its all I've ever wanted.... I just want to go to college, how can I not know yet!? I applied Early Action, and I should have heard back before the new year! I'm so upset, and I just want to know! Its all I've wanted, and now all I feel like is, that I'm not good enough.... all the work hasn't been worth it... I still mean nothing.
So essentaily, I suck at life....
I want a pretty red dress for Ball....
Monday wasn't half bad at all... no it wasn't
*Sigh*
Grease takes so much out of my life, so do auditions, I can't wait until March, when I can go out and find a job!
The end.
current music: Raining on Prom Night, Grease
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| Friday, January 5th, 2007
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9:12 pm
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</form>
| MEGHAN-RAE |
| M |
is for |
Mesmerizing |
| E |
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Energetic |
| G |
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Glorious |
| H |
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Hardworking |
| A |
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Abstract |
| N |
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Normal |
| - |
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| R |
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Refreshing |
| A |
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Adventurous |
| E |
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Enthusiastic |
| i C0ULDNT FiND A SURVEY i REALLi LiKED S0 i JUST MADE MA 0WN...FEEL FREE T0 USE iT =) | | ♥THA BASiCS♥ | | Name--->: | Meghan Rae Grimes | | Birthday--->: | 10-27-89 | | Zodiac--->: | Scorpio | | Hometown--->: | Richland, Wow I'm white trash | | Birthplace--->: | Rome, NY | | Height--->: | 5'6" | | Weight--->: | About 140 | | Eye Color--->: | Green, but they change color. | | Hair Color--->: | Dark Brown | | Shoe Size--->: | 7 and a half | | Blood Type--->: | A Positive | | GPA--->: | 94.334 | | School--->: | Paul V. Moore High | | Nickname--->: | MegRae | | ♥D0 Y0U HAVE...♥ | | Siblings?--->: | 2 brothers, 1 step brother, 1 half--sister | | Pets?--->: | 1 dog, 2 cats | | An iPod?--->: | a pink nano | | Tats?--->: | no | | Piercings?--->: | 3 ears | | A Birthmark?--->: | umm I'm sure I do | | An Aim Screenname?--->: | Yep, MegRae27 | | If so, what is it?--->: | MegRae27, apparently I jumped the gun | | ♥FAV0RiTES♥ | | Color?--->: | pink/black | | Type of Music?--->: | anything but rap or country | | Drink?--->: | mountain dew | | Store?--->: | rue 21 | | Clothing Brand?--->: | I have no idea, No Boundries? | | Shoe Brand?--->: | Again no clue, umm no really no clue. | | Love Song?--->: | Come What May , Moulan Rouge | | TV Show?--->: | Charmed, Who's line is it anyway, or Gilmore Girls | | Movie?--->: | Ever After or Monty Python and the Holy Grail | | Musician?--->: | I'm a fan of Motzart, he knew what was up... but current bands, The Fray and Switchfoot | | Food?--->: | I'm inclined to love chicken parm. | | Holdiay?--->: | My birthday | | Day of the Year?--->: | New Years Eve | | ♥THiS 0R THAT?♥ | | Pepsi or Coke?--->: | diet coke | | McDonalds or Burger King?--->: | depends on the day normally BK | | Basketball or Football?--->: | Love to watch both | | Boxers or Briefs?--->: | boxers, not that I wear them though | | Books or Movies?--->: | yes | | Rain or Sun?--->: | normally sun, but I love to watch and listen to reain | | Eggs or Pancakes?--->: | pancakes | | Eyes or Smile?-->: | eyes | | Ass or Abs?--->: | abs | | Stay in or Go out?--->: | stay in | | Rab or R&B?--->: | R&B | | Truth or Dare?--->: | Thuth | | Long or Short Hair?--->: | on me, long, on him short but longer than short short | | Be a PLAYA or Commit?--->: | Commitment | | Florida or Cali?--->: | I think Cali, but I've never been to either | | Abercrombie or Hollister?--->: | I don't wear either | | Drinking or Smoking?--->: | I don'tdo either, but drinking is way more fun and less harmful to my lungs and those around me | | Summer or Winter?--->: | Summer | | ♥FRiENDS♥ | | Best Friend?--->: | Soni, or Chelsea | | Funniest?--->: | Ryan | | Best Looking?--->: | Probably Toni | | Newest?--->: | Marshal | | Shyest?: | Lorien | | Loudest?: | Me? Probably Ryan again, maybe Soni | | Monst honest?--->: | Toni | | Smartest?--->: | Nathan | | Stupidest?--->: | No one is stupid really | | Ditziest?--->: | Steve is an accident waiting to happen | | Most Stubborn?--->: | Marshal is pretty stubborn | | Most Considerate?--->: | Chelsea | | Fakest?--->: | umm, I don't know | | Bitchiest?--->: | On the worst day ever Toni | | Best Dresser?--->: | Soni, hands down | | Best Dancer?--->: | Marshal, he's teaching me | | Best Singer?--->: | Nathan made confrence | | Most likely to be succesful?--->: | Jake Wolf | | A Love-a-holic?--->: | Matt, or Dan, or Me | | Most Original?--->: | Soni | | Most likely to be rich?--->: | Toni | | ♥HAVE Y0U EVER...♥ | | Been out of the country?--->: | Canada | | Lied to a friend?--->: | a few times | | Stolen?--->: | I was a 4 year old, gum at the grocery store | | Been Drunk?--->: | no | | Been High?--->: | no | | Been in Love?--->: | yes | | Cheated on Someone?--->: | no | | Been Cheated On?--->: | I hope not | | Said: | said? | | Used Someone?--->: | no | | Been Used?--->: | maybe | | Been Betrayed?--->: | I think so | | Had Your Heart Broken?--->: | yes | | ♥RAND0M iSH♥ | | Do You Wanna Get Married?--->: | Yes | | Do You Trust Yourself to Fall in Love?--->: | Yes | | Biggest Turn On?--->: | Eyes, personality | | Biggest Turn Off?--->: | Self absorbed asses | | Most Important Quality in a bf/gf?--->: | love | | What Was The Last thing you Ate?--->: | an oreo | | ...Song you listened to?--->: | Breakfast at Tiffany's, Deep Blue Something | | ♥D0 Y0U BELiEVE iN...♥ | | God?--->: | yes | | Satan?--->: | yes | | Heaven?--->: | yes | | Hell?--->: | yes | | Love at first sight?--->: | ... yes I do | | Soul Mates?--->: | yes | | Luck?--->: | yes | | Reincarnation?--->: | not really | | Yourself?--->: | on a good day yes | | ♥FiNiSH THA SENTENCE♥ | | I am...: | a goose! | | I want...: | to get old. | | I miss...: | Nathan | | I want to go...: | to college | | So many people dont know that...: | I'm not as creative and smart, and talented as they think i am. | | My Heart is...: | happy! | | I wish...: | on the stars, that I get my happily ever after. | Take this survey | Find more surveys
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9:05 pm - My Love
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| Thursday, December 7th, 2006
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2:39 am - RANTING
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So, I'm getting closer and closer to the end of this high-school thing everyday... just last week we got our Senior shirts and hoodies. I auditioned at my first school. I went to Nathan's Conference All State... which was amazing by the way.... I even drove out to hang out with the boys, I drove out all by myself, and came home all by myself.... being responsible for myself... just me.... I even filled the van with some gas... what a kid!
I feel like I should get treated like I'm as responsible as I am.... not really by my mom... she's fine, she has always been great with me, but seriously all the stupid teachers and guidance counselors, and stupid administration...... the Hall monitors
I'm a freaking good kid... hell I'm a great kid, I'm in the top 5% of my class, I might as well be the poster child for the chorus program... I'm an New Visions kid, I'm doing rotations with 1st graders, helping my rotation teacher with all the little jobs I can, I'm teaching the class their music for their winter Musical! I fallow the rules, I don't pretend I'm above them, because I don't need to be, I don't break them! I'm scheduled for 5 classes and only have room for 4... I do the freaking morning announcements for goodness sakes! I applied to all of my 5 count them 5 colleges by the early action date, without bothering anyone for help, I asked only 4 people for recommendations.
Yet every day I get yelled at for something.... you didn't actually apply to SU, even though I did and it was my guidance counselor that is a clueless dumbass.... you being in the Senior Study Hall for your 20 min lunch is a privilege and all the other kids are behaving like children so you might loose it! You can't not go to BOCES even though you're supposed to go on Rotations EVERY monday, tuesday, and thursday. Oh and even though we told the administrators that we do that, they took us off the bus attendance sheet, so now when we're supposed to go on the bus, they don't want to let us! God forbid we be where we're supposed to be, Bad new vision kids!
Then all of my peers hate me, because I'm too perky, or think I'm the best, or because Mr. Goettel favors me, or because I'm stuck up, or because I'm annoying, or because I'm a teachers pet, because I think I'm so smart and just have to get good grades, when it comes so easily to me, or because I'm alive... .all good reasons really... and I'm sure I deserve it all.... its not like I have a low self esteem, and Goettel yells at me more than any other student, or that I have to work my ass off to get alright grades and even harder to try to get up into the top of my class... I had learning disabilities, a teacher said I'd always be slow, they expected nothing out of me, I'd never be good enough.... I'm still not, but if I want to get into college, I have to be... I have to work so hard just to hope that I might get into college... let alone afford it. Plus, how alive are you when this is the kind of crap you worry about every minute of your existence?
On the plus side, I'm older, finally 17, I gave away my hair, I think it looks cute, and I hopefully will go somewhere... plus the friends I have are amazing..... and of course Nathan.... I'm in love, and life really is great, its all coming together now.... I just suppose I: need to rant about the little annoying aspects..... really I am happier than I could ever imagine.... just bugged out by those little things...
current music: Let your Troubles Roll By, Carbon Leaf
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| Wednesday, November 15th, 2006
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2:18 am - Love
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| LOVE by bigbootyblack07 | | Are you single or taken?: | Taken | | if taken by who?: | Nathan Roeder | | Whats so special about this person?: | He is everything, and its in his eyes, I can see how much he cares about me | | when did you meet?: | We met in Socail Studies and English class 9th grade year | | how long have you been together?: | 10 months, and 2 weeks, but who is counting? | | when is their birthday?: | March 28. 1989 | | are you falling in love with them?: | I am in love with him. | | what color are his/her eyes?: | BLUE! | | Why did you fall for them?: | He was everyhing, check that, more than anything I could ever ask for | | do you think it will last?: | ... I actually do | | whats the most romantic thing they have done for you?: | lol even when I was sick, he hugged me and kissed me, and told me I was beautiful, he took care of me all day, and I took a nap on the stage, he got me a sheet of cloth for a blanket. | | do you talk to eachother everyday?: | obviously | | what do you want most for this person?: | The utmost happiness and feeling of completion | | are they mean or nice?: | very very nice | | hot or sexy?: | hmm, Nate's a very innocent boy, but underneath it he is super hot | | boring or fun?: | dorky fun, the way I love it | | do you share secrets?: | We don't have secrets really, but we tell each other everything | | do you cuddle?: | yeah we do | | have you done THE DEED?: | no | | do you get along with their family?: | For the most part, he has an amazing family... they're wonderful | | do you go out or stay in?: | mostly in, but once in a blue moon we catch a movie or go out with the gang | | have you been on an ACTUAL date?(hooking up doesnt count.): | We went on an actual date before even dating! Imagine that! | | do you care about them?: | With all of my heart | | what would you do for them?: | Probably anything... no I'd do anything | | finally....why do you want to stay with this person?: | Because I love him, I care about him, he is my Nathan, and that is all. | Take this survey | Find surveys
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| Tuesday, November 7th, 2006
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1:20 am - so
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so I love rotations... life is wonderful.
so I feel confused... but whatever.
so I don't like not knowing what is up with people.
so yeah I felt grown up today.... but I suppose spending time with 3 and 4 year olds will make you feel old.
so dancing is fun... even if I stink at it
so my heart beats for handball
so the play is over.... so everything else is starting
so panagetie *or however the hell you spell is name* is a dumb-ass... totally clueless... mock trail should be tricky this year
so music is my life
so I am warming up to the fact that I'm closer and closer to my future.... life is cool like that
so I have wonderful friends
so I think that Nathan is wonderful and amazing and yeah.... yeah.
plus 22..... life is just random and good enough for me.
the end.
current mood:  umm.... so
current music: Points of Authority, Linkin Park
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| Friday, November 3rd, 2006
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2:32 am - ... I gave blood today, be nice to me.... if only
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So I haven't written...
I'm not so sure why... usually live journal has been my outlet... I talked about anything and everything... it was my way of saying things I couldn't out-loud... or getting my thoughts sorted out so I could talk about things if I needed too.... it was for my friends to read up on my life and know I'm still at least alive, even if over dramatic and dying of stress. but here I am... into November, now 17 years old... a full blown Senior... receiving high 98's and 100s in classes... singing my little heart out.. .the show is this weekend.... and yet I haven't written about it... about all the busy times, all the stress... all the great friends, stories... my Nathan.... nothing of any of it. As if I had nothing to write about in my life.... ha ha !
Here is my biggest beef with life.... I'm grown up or at least nearly grown up... I am 17, I'm the big senior, that girl who sings the national anthem.. top 12th in my class *last I checked* I'm finally me... and happy with it... I like me, I mean I have a positive self esteem somewhere underneath it all after-all! Who knew? but here I am... and I'm still hated and picked on for the same damn things.... heck even for different things, and by complete strangers and by classmates, and even people I consider close friends... Why is it?
Why am I me? What is it about me, Meghan Rae Grimes, who's presence offends so? People know I'm different, some people love me for it.. others distain. My voice, the one thing I can actually claim pride in.... I've worked so hard for it... and its a gift.... some people praise me, think I'm wonderful others are jealous or think that I think I'm perfect. Goettel chooses me as a favorite... then why does he yell at me more than any other student ever? Why must I have to work harder because he wants me to be a leader, when the other hate me and think I'm given everything on a silver platter? And even when I'm working hard to please goettel, its not enough, or when I back off to appease those who dislike a peer at their superior I get yelled at even more. How can I be a friend, a peer, and a leader? Especially when I'm not perfect. I'm always in some way at fault.. and I obviously get angry at myself for it... I work hard, I try my best as often as possible... I know it is still not good enough, yet I'm still a snob. I'm so stuck up... and something about who I am, I'm not normal, I'm a freak, I'm annoying, strange, stupid.. Throughout my life people would give anything to get rid of me.
And its just me... either other people have lives so much worse off than me, that they have HAVE to make fun of me to make themselves feel better *and I'm just supposed to understand and let it happen, because after all they don't have all the things I do.* or they are just jerks... or maybe after all it is just the way I act... maybe I don't listen to what I say, or how I say it.... or I'm acting in a manor that could annoy or bother others.... its me.... really it is just me... No matter what the case I'm just doing something wrong.
I've worked so hard to get to this point, and in all honesty, everything I have I'm lucky to have and thankful for, but whats it worth? No matter what its not good enough for myself... or other hate me for it, or it isn't good enough for others either.... which ever way it is wrong... why can't I be happy with me and others be too? No, I can't be because I'm me, I'd be better off not caring anymore.... why do I work so hard to be hated? I want to belong.... to be praised, or at least appreciated.
I'd at least think that people who actually know me, or consider me a friend, would see me, the real me, and would understand who I am... but no, not really apparently even to the people I'm close to I'm a snob, I'm unfairly favored and think I'm perfect....
I just want to give up... but I can't... and I wont.... its just killing me....
its just something about me.... its as if I was born with this sign on my forehead that reads "please target me, I'm asking for it!" .... hell at least that would give them a reason, and it would make sense... oh well, screw it.
I'm me... people hate that, nothing new... end of story.
current mood:  I want to give up
current music: The Sky is Crying on the Sea
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megrae27's journal
